Hey y’all! It’s been a minute since I have been able to sit down and write a post, and tonight just became the perfect night. The last few weeks I have been insanely busy; however, I realize more and more how abundantly blessed I am. My family and friends continue to bless me in many incredible ways. I am overwhelmed by the goodness of God.
On April 17th I was able to make a big purchase for myself and my children, a new home. This was a challenging decision to make, as I had no idea if I saw myself staying in Iowa after Hannah graduated from high school. Over time, I realized that although I love my home state of Arkansas, Iowa has become my home. After almost twenty years of living here, it is all I’ve known in my adult life. Have I had thoughts of moving back to Arkansas, ABSOLUTELY! I love my home state, my family, and friends, but I realized that I am not able to map out my entire life. Instead, I created a five year plan. The first part of my plan was to invest in a home for my children. Second step, get my second master’s in school administration, and third step is to allow myself to let down my walls and learn to love again. Step one is accomplished. Step two I have started, and step three I have been working on healing all of those scars.
I recently picked up a new book at Hobby Lobby while shopping for a few decoration pieces for my home. The last several days prior to picking up the book, I had been feeling overwhelmed by all of the goodness happening in my life. I kept thinking about how badly I wanted to be able to give all of me to all of the amazing people in my life. I never realized how many walls I had built up from all of the things that I have been through in my life. It is simple to build walls, but insanely difficult to tear them down. Sometimes all it takes is for that right person to step in and give you that desire to start knocking away at those bricks. So, while standing in the line at Hobby Lobby this book caught my eye. The title of the book is, “Love Like You’ve Never Been Hurt: Hope, Healing, and the Power of an Open Heart” by Jentezen Franklin. I picked up the book thinking I would just set it back on the shelf. After reading the preview, there were a few statements that caught my eye. The first, and this one is repeated throughout the book, “The pain you feel today is the pain you can heal.” Secondly, “we build walls around our hearts to protect us from the heartache….yet these are the very walls that block us from seeing hope, and receiving healing and feeling love.” Y’all it hit me at that very moment in the line at Hobby Lobby, it is time for me to start tearing down those walls. I tossed that book in my cart just as quickly as I had picked it up. Later that evening I sat out on my deck with a cold drink and my book. I propped my feet up and dove into the first few chapters.
The introduction to the book starts with a Mark Twain quote. “If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.” You see, no matter how abused a dog has been, as long as you care for it, then it will become your best friend. This is not always true for humans. Humans build up the walls from heartache, and we create fears of being hurt again. As I continued to read the book, I just kept saying in my head, “yep, yep, yep…that’s me. That’s exactly me.” Now, the book is written by a pastor, so there are several biblical references in the book. The first, “Love your neighbor as yourself.” The second commandment given by God. For many people this commandment is an obstacle. For me, I have a servant’s heart, and I want to do for others as Christ did for us. However, I have built up walls that have forbade me to act as I used to due to the scars that I carry on my heart. The introduction of the book finishes with the quote that is repeated throughout the book, “the only way to be reconciled, healed, and whole is to love like you’ve never been hurt.” I kept thinking, how will I ever do that, but the book gets good! I am seeing it isn’t as impossible to tear down those walls as I had thought. “To move forward, you have to release the past and reach for the future.”
On March 12th, my oldest daughter, Haylee, and I got our first tattoo. Now I was raised to believe that tattoos were not biblical, and I knew that getting a tattoo my mom would balk about it. I was absolutely sure of it. I text my momma one day and said, “Do me a favor. Can you write the word “agape” in your best cursive writing and send a picture of it to me?” Without hesitation my mom did just as I had ask her to. She ask for no explanation, but I told her that I was going to get a tattoo of the word agape on my arm in her handwriting. I was waiting on her to tell me that it was sinful, but she never did. I got the tattoo of agape in my mom’s handwriting with a small heart filled in to represent that my tribe was full. Haylee got the word agape tattooed in the same spot on her arm in my handwriting. Her heart isn’t filled in yet, but will be once she has a full nest at home. Why agape? Most people I have talked to have no idea what that word is. Agape: Divine love. The highest form of love given by Christ or Christ-like love. I was raised by a family of believers. My momma and my Uncle Cleo taught me that in order to live a life of fullness in Christ, we must live a life full of agape love. We must love others like Christ loves us. This is why I had the word agape tattooed on my arm. It is a constant reminder of the love that Christ has for me and all of the world. So, why was I struggling so much to tear down the walls that I have built. I had hardened my heart due to all of the scars. I was living a life just the opposite of what I had been taught. I need to let God soften my heart again. He is the protector of my heart, and not the walls that I have built around it.
While reading the book, agape love is brought up. The story of Simon Peter is brought up when Jesus ask Simon Peter how much he loves Him. Simon Peter replied with Phileo love. After several times of Jesus asking Simon Peter and getting the same answer, Jesus realized that Simon Peter would never be able to match His level of love, agape love. So, He, Jesus, brought his love down a level. If we moved up our level of love to love others as Christ loved us, could you imagine what Christ would do for us? Agape, I was stunned that this level of love was mentioned in the book. Why? Because this is how I was raised. I have the word tattooed on my arm, yet my greatest struggle lately has been my own ability to love others as Christ loved us. I haven’t been doing this intentionally, but I have realized that it is time to soften my heart to be able to live as Christ has told us to live.
As I continued to read, there was more to the book that really hit me. There is this thing that is called wounds, and when they heal they become scars. “Scars are nothing to be ashamed of. They are a testimony of God’s ability to heal deadly wounds.” After reading these words, I realized that God has healed all of my wounds, and I have to stop allowing my scars to define me. They do not define who I am, they helped shape me into who I am as a person. It is time I stop allowing my scars to hinder my ability to give love to others. I am looking forward to letting down my walls and giving out that agape love to all of those in my life. Learning to love like I have never been hurt before is an entirely new approach that I am looking forward to doing. This next season of my life is going to be one of my greatest season.
Much love,
Jessica
Front Porch Diary 
❤❤❤
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