Hey y’all! It’s been a true minute since I’ve made a post. Honestly, I’ve been feeling a little less than inspired to write, and I don’t want to leave you with anything that isn’t from the heart. I’ve had many different things on my heart that I want to share with you, so this may become a very long post. I hope that once you start reading you will read to the end, and then reread the entire post and take all that I have to say in.
Everyone knows that I went through a divorce. My ex-husband held a very prestigious position in Sioux City. We knew many people either through his career or through the school that our children attended. Often, I had to carry the weight of being “his wife,” and therefore, I had a certain image that was expected of me to uphold. I have never been one to care about how anyone thinks of me. I’ve never been the kind that has felt that it is necessary to keep up with the Jones’. There may be a few people out there that simply think I’m not a nice person due to the expectations that were put on me through my ex-husbands position, and I am okay with that. When he became the bad person for having to fire an employee, then all of a sudden I was the bad person too. It’s the name of the game, and a game that I am so thankful that I do not have to play any longer. That stereotypical image left the minute people were able to begin to know who the true Jessica is. My ex-husband was a good leader of the home for many years. We’ve both been able to move on with our lives, and I’m thankful that even though we may bicker occasionally that we are able to maintain a relationship for our children. You can’t erase twenty years of history just because of a few bad ones. Okay, now that I’ve got that off of my chest, please allow me to continue with my thoughts. Although they may be random, they are from the heart.
I learned a long time ago that you can’t allow hate to consume your heart. Growing up I was always taught that we have to fight the war of hate. We must allow the Holy Spirit to help us with any form of anger or resentment we have towards others. I won’t lie. I have had many times that this has been difficult for me. Most recently, it has been difficult due to my own divorce and watching my significant other deal with unpleasantries from his own divorce. I will be the first person to admit that it isn’t easy watching my ex-husband build his life with someone new. Of course it isn’t easy. I spent over half of my life with that man, and I will always care about him; however, it isn’t worth allowing hate to build in my heart. None of what has happened would allow me to not want him to be happy. I want to see him build a life that he loves and with someone that he loves, and I have no doubt in my mind that he wants the same for me.
We all are guilty of making mistakes. I’ve made plenty in my life. I will never hide the fact that my boyfriend and I were together before he was divorced. I was so angry at my ex-husband for being with someone before we were fully divorced, and then I found myself being that same girl that I was angry at during my own divorce. I was very angry at my ex, and the girl that he was with prior to our divorce. I created events in my head trying to make sense of the situation. I did my best to put together timelines in order to cope with my own pain that I was feeling. Never once though did I ever try to hurt the image of the girl that my ex was with. I would have gained nothing by doing that. However, over the last year and a half I have had numerous people tell me things that my boyfriend’s ex-wife has said about he and I. These things that we’ve been told are nothing but far-fetched lies. I’ve sat in a room with my boyfriend’s daughter and listened to her cry because of things her mom has said to her. I’ve shared very personal details of my life with his daughter due to lies that her mom has told her. I knew that blending families came with hiccups, but I never dreamed that I would have my own integrity questioned due to someone telling lies. Lies that came from someone that knows nothing about me, my divorce, or the type of person that I am. I could bottle up hate in my heart towards her for the lies that she has told; however, allowing hate into my heart would be a way of consuming my happiness.
I would never have thought to manipulate my children when I got divorced. There were times that I felt my children were the only persons I had to talk too, and I probably said too much to them at times. I can assure you though, I have always encouraged my children to spend time with their father because it is their dad. I would never do anything to compromise the relationship they have with their dad. He loves them just as much as I do, and our children need that relationship with their dad. The manipulation that I’ve watched occur the last year and a half is heartbreaking. I’ve watched a mother lie to her children, manipulate their minds, and in turn destroy relationships with their dad. This woman has taken her hate and bitterness so far that she has manipulated her daughters into changing their last name to her maiden name. To me, this screams that their father isn’t their father anymore. It’s one thing to talk down about someone to your closest friends, but to talk down about a father to his daughters is pure hatred. Now, I’m not saying that my boyfriend is perfect, because he has had to tell his children things in order to tell what really happened due to their mom telling them lies. He is an amazing father, and he would do anything for his children.
I’ve watched a man that has carried an immense amount of pain in his heart grow to be a strong-willed, big-hearted, honest man. He is the most hardworking, helpful, caring, and loving man that I have ever known. He would give the last dime in his pocket just to help another. The pain that he still carries is caused from a bitter woman that can’t seem to deal with her own demons. She has allowed hate to consume her heart, and she is out to destroy anyone that does not agree with her or bow down to her demands.
I want you to understand that allowing bitterness and hate to consume you will cause harm to your own happiness and to others around you. Trying to destroy someone’s image or someone else’s happiness will never give you happiness. It will cause your heart to grow harder and harder, and your happiness will never be real because the shadow of your hate will consume any ounce of happiness that lives within you. You have to allow the Holy Spirit to live in you and to allow Christ to guide your life. God is very clear in His word when he says, if you won’t forgive others, then He won’t forgive you.” The person who stores hate in their hearts is walking in darkness. If you say you are a Christian yet you hate someone, the Bible says you are a liar.
I’m not afraid to sit back and share my life with all of you, as it helps us all to learn and grow. I’ve never had anything to hide, and I never will. I live my life to serve others, to be a blessing to others, and to do my best to be the person that Christ wants me to be. Have I fallen short of the glory of God many times, absolutely. I fall short daily, but that doesn’t mean that I haven’t set out to live a life to serve him. My heart is filled with happiness and love. I love so much that at times i have hurt myself for being so giving. In the end, Christ is the only one that makes the judgement on whether or not I am a good person. He is the only one that will tell me whether or not I will walk through His pearly gates. No judgement passed by any human will affect my walk with Christ, my happiness, nor my ability to give to others on a daily basis. I want every life I touch to know love and to feel love. My quickest way to happiness was for myself to get rid of the hate and bitterness that I felt in my heart. This was the greatest gift I could have given myself the last two years. My motto, “Do what makes you happy.” It’s a great one to live by.
“Throughout life people will make you mad, disrespect you and treat you bad. Let God deal with the things they do, cause hate in your heart will consume you too.” Will Smith
Much love,
Jessica
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