Finding Tomorrow

Hey y’all! In truest Jessica fashion I’ve procrastinated writing a new blog post. To be quite honest, I haven’t had a lot of inspiration, and therefore, I’ve been lacking on my drive to write. That is until I ran across a great post on Facebook this past Sunday evening. I will wait until the end of this post to share it. The great thing that came from me reading it a great deal of inspiration for me to write this post. Now, if you are new around here you are going to learn that I am pretty raw with what I write. I am a firm believer that the best growth comes from learning from not only your own experiences, but learning from others too. I’m going to be very honest in this post, and I hope at least one person that reads it can gain something from it.

It’s been a while since I’ve really talked about my divorce. I was married to what I believed to be my one and only for 16 years. We met when we were just babies. I was a shy, 14 year-old girl. We would joke and laugh all hours of the night about what we wanted our lives to be like. We dreamed of owning a big home with a pool. We wanted to live on a golf course. We wanted to have children. We wanted to live our lives to serve Christ. We spent more of our lives together than apart. We built a family and a life that we both dreamed about at just 14 and 15 years old. Then, something changed. To be honest, my marriage quickly began crumbling apart. On December 4, 2019 at 6:30 in the morning I ask my husband to leave. On December 16, 2019, I officially filed to divorce my husband. Finally, on February 13, 2020 the divorce was finalized. I will admit, I begged my husband to come back home. I begged for days. The day the divorce was final I remember asking him, “What does she have that I don’t?” He said to me, “Jessica, it’s not like that.” I never understood those words. One thing I can tell you though is that I sought God more during that time of my life than I’ve ever sought Him before.

I currently find myself 15 months post divorce and 17 months post separation. COVID hit just a month after my divorce was final. If it weren’t for my friends I would have slipped into a very dark place in my life. Finally, businesses started opening back up, and I was able to get out of the house and start enjoying life again. I started taking college classes again to get my second masters degree in school administration, got back on my workout train, and found joy in life. A few months after things started opening back up I met someone. Someone that I would see start to change my life. He listens to what I have to say. He isn’t afraid to stay up all night long just talking. He wants to share in the things that I enjoy. He finds time for me. He sees me for who I am. It’s been amazing to share so many interests and joys in life with someone. I love how God can place someone in your life at just the right time. In addition to getting another degree and finding someone special, I’ve also taken on a part time job that I love. I get to be an in-home mental health counselor for children and families. Working with these families has provided me with so much joy. On top of it all, my children are doing amazing, and life couldn’t seem to get much better.

But….here is where the honesty kicks in. I feel so extremely blessed, and I feel like turning and running. I am the person that wants to have complete control over my life. For so long I felt like I didn’t have the control, and finally I am able to control what I do with my life. With all of the good, there is also so much sadness. I am a family person. Family is the most important part of my life. For years, my home was the place that many gatherings took place. The southern girl in me loves to host and share my Arkansas hospitality here in Iowa. Since my divorce I have struggled to find peace in not having family nearby. I long to have family again. To be the host of all of the gatherings again. I long to watch the joy on the faces of family and friends on holidays sharing in the joy of food and fellowship in my home.

I’m finding that I am struggling so much with this that I want to move away. I want to run from the uncertainty of being in a relationship. I want to run from Iowa and the “she’s divorced” stigma. I want to run from all of the good I have going on in my life because these are the things that I am unable to control. The last few weeks all I’ve thought about is moving. All I’ve thought about is what is to come of this relationship that I am in. So many thoughts, and so little answers. I keep telling myself that I control my own destiny. But do I? Am I the one that has the control? Suddenly all of the negative self-talk has me believing that I’m not good enough for this life of joy that I’ve built the last 17 months. I’ve also found that I’ve turned away from many of my founding principals in life, and it’s time that I allow myself to turn back to my morals and beliefs. I will never change who I am to meet the needs of the world. Rather, I will change who I am to make myself better in Christ.

The post that I ran across stated, “and don’t be wishing you were someplace else, or with someone else. Where you are right now is God’s place for you.” I needed to read these words. I needed to be reminded that I am in the season of life that God wants me to be in. He is my guiding light, and without faith in Him my life will crumble. God has given me so much strength the last year and a half. He has guided me down a path that has helped me to grow, but still I have failed Him. We all fall short of the glory of God. It is important to recognize our shortcomings, and do what we can to correct them.

I sought out what was right for me. I was offered a teaching position back home in Arkansas. I fact, it was in my home district. Right where I grew up and went to school. As much of a dream as it is of mine to be able to teach in my hometown, the timing just wasn’t right. I couldn’t figure out why it wasn’t right until the past week, but I know now and have those answers. I’m on the road to a new journey. A journey that I am extremely excited and thankful for. The point…don’t run from any season of your life. God has you right where he wants you to be. Keep your faith. ❤️

Much love,

Jessica