One Year Later

Hey there friends! It is only fitting to start this post off with, “It’s been a minute.”  In fact, it has been a minute since I have had time to sit down and write a post.  Today of all days is a fitting time for me to gather some of my thoughts and put them down.  One year ago today I woke up to what appeared would be a normal day in the life of Jessica.  Once up and ready, I was out the door for a normal day at school.  Nothing different happened at school that day.  I quickly got out the door once school was over to get home and get ready for the night.  Tuesday nights, I always dreaded, yet I still did it.  I look back now and I still question myself.  Why?  Why did I ever allow myself to fall into that trap?  It was dart league night at Eddie’s. 

It takes a lot for me to hate something, but I hated dart night at Eddie’s.  I hated the bar.  I never drank.  Especially on a night that I had to work the next day.  To me, dart night should have been a night out to enjoy time with my husband.  It was anything but that.  It was a night filled with drinking until the point of passing out, constant fights, and people that fed an addiction.  I often wondered to myself back then why I continued to do it.  It was either I go and there was a fight, or I stayed home and there was a fight.  Oh, but this night in particular would become a night that would change my life forever.

I will spare you the details of that traumatic night, but it resulted in me going home alone.  After being up all night, my husband finally came home at 5:20 in the morning.  He smelled of alcohol and cigarette smoke.  I was angry and hurt that he had stayed out all night drinking and gambling.  That was not even at the top of my list of why I was angry.  I was angrier that he was extremely drunk and had not slept all night, knowing that he needed to take our daughter to eye surgery over an hour away by noon.  I was so sick of the constant drinking and fighting that I got up; showered, pulled the blankets back from him and told him to leave.  It was probably one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make.  Reality is, I did not want him gone, but I wanted the constant drinking to stop.  There were many other issues, but the drinking was at the top.  I thought that a few days away would do some good, but that quickly turned to me being told that if I didn’t go file for divorce he was going to.  I was done letting my husband have so much control over me. 

I will never forget all of the tears and heartache that I felt the day I walked into the attorney’s office.  I actually left and did not file.  In the back of my mind, I thought that he would come home, but he did not.  The weekend passed, and I called my attorney again.  This time, I walked into the office with even more heartache, and as I signed those papers to file for divorce I felt like I had just signed away almost 19 years of my life.  That day was just the beginning of a rollercoaster of emotions that I was about to embark on.

Now, it has been one year to this day that the start of the separation and divorce began.  Not long after Justin left, I met an amazing new friend.  He knew nothing about me, except what I shared and vice versa.  I will never forget what he told me that was one of the most solid pieces of advice.  He said, “Jessica, write a letter to yourself.  Then read it in a year and see how much you have grown.”  I started writing again.  Every night I would write how I was feeling.  I truly believed that it would take me years to grow and move on through that season of my life.  After all, I had spent my entire adult life with my ex-husband.  I did not know what life would be like to be on my own, so to speak. 

I quickly starting finding things that I enjoyed doing.  If I went out with my friends, one of the greatest feelings was to be able to go out, have fun, and leave when I was ready to go home without any sort of fight.  Strange, I know, but I had never experienced that.  It was an odd sense of freedom.  One that I had never experienced before.  I grew to enjoy it.  I also started to spend more time with my children again.  For almost two years I felt as though I never got to spend time with my kids, because the bars and going out were always more important to my husband.  At least that is what it felt like.  Every time that I would ask to do something as a family I was always told, “The kids don’t want to spend time with us. They are too old.”  He was wrong.  I also started taking the trips.  I had wanted to go visit my family for quite some time.  COVID hit, and I jumped in the car and headed south to spend quality time with my family.  One of the best decisions that I made post-divorce.  I also booked the trip to go see my lifelong best friend in Indiana.  It had been 9 years since I had seen her.  I booked a trip to Colorado to take my son, and I booked a trip to Arizona to go see family with my girls.  I spent weekends away with my friends at the lake.  I enjoyed grilling out with my friends and having game nights.  I became a workout junky. I bought my own home.  I remodeled the basement.  Lastly, I made the decision to go back to college and get a second master’s degree in PK-12 School Administration. 

While all of these things can seem so minimal, they have helped me grow into an independent, strong, confident, single momma to the most amazing children.  I often thought that I would never love ever again, but my mind was quickly changed about that fairly recently.  I will save that one for another time.  I want to share all of this with each of you, because I know that everyone has struggles in life.  How we handle our struggles says much about who we are as a person.  First Chronicles 16:11 says, “Seek the Lord and His strength….seek His presence continually.”  I have always been a believer, but when this life change hit me, I spent many hours in a day seeking God for His guidance.  When we cast our cares upon the Lord, He will take care of us.  I will testify to the fact that I would not be in such a happy place in my life if it were not for God taking care of me, and for His hand guiding me in my decision-making.  He cares for us, and He will never fail us.  Y’all, my struggle was real, and there are still struggles that I deal with due to divorce, but it does not define me.  My story has helped me grow into who I am today.  I am thankful for my close-knit group of friends, my children, and most of all for the Lord’s guidance in my life.  Anyone can do life. 

They say, “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.”  Without a doubt, DO IT!

Much Love,

Jessica